Good Grief

Well, I wasn't going to post anything about this, but I think I could use the therapeutic release, so here goes...

I suffered a miscarriage two weeks ago on February 4th, 2010. Luke and I are doing well considering. I think I went through the brunt of the grief and shock before the pregnancy passed (unless there's a bunch more hibernating for later, which I'm sure is possible). I was "fortunate" to know there was a problem well before I actually miscarried. I am completely on the fence about whether or not I preferred the 3+ WEEKS warning that started as: "there could be a problem, but maybe the dates are just off" (I was confident in my dates and started the acceptance process then), to: "things look concerning", to finally: "it's over - you're going to miscarry in a matter of days or weeks..." Needless to say, January was a challenging month for our family.

There are several things that I must highlight that truly show God's mercy through this experience:

1. I did not pass the pregnancy during my two out of town trips - one for business, one for pleasure - that's a huge answer to prayer. I was very emotional and felt that to pass the pregnancy when I needed to be focused on other things would have been all the more unraveling.
2. After the official diagnosis of miscarriage it was only about 24 hours before the miscarriage process kicked in to gear - another answer to prayer. I didn't want a D&C, but I did NOT want to have to wait another 3 weeks to miscarry naturally (anything more than a week sounded just gut wrenching).
3. The process was surprisingly similar to labor with Rush, which I found validating. I had a REAL pregnancy with a REAL baby even though it was cut short.
4. I have many friends announcing pregnancies right now, and not only am I staying in one piece through it, I'm able to rejoice with them.

Something I haven't told anyone, even Luke, is that I named the baby. I felt during the midst of confusion regarding the status of the pregnancy, I needed a name other than "the baby" when I prayed. So I would refer to the baby as Blythe. I actually thought and continue to think the baby was a boy, but Blythe is totally appropriate for either a boy or girl, right? :-) Anyway, Blythe seemed right because I recalled that it means cheerful or joyous. The overriding emotion Luke and I experienced when we each learned I was pregnant was pure and simple happiness. The road to having Rush was so turbulent, giving us each some kind of stunned relief when we got pregnant the first time. This time was definitely different and it was nice. I am so grateful for the Blythe pregnancy. We are not owed another child, but God is gracious in every way and it has been made very evident, even in loss. So our joy continues because when trouble comes, God remains good, great and full of grace.

Caught Up and Wishing I Wasn't...

So Rush has been sleeping peacefully this afternoon *grateful sigh* and I have used the time to catch up on my coupon clipping. As lousy as it sounds (and trust me, it's very lousy to sit and clip coupons), it saves a boatload of money. Last Friday I saved 60% (well over $100!!!) at King Soopers by using my coupons, store card and following sales. If you haven't heard about The Grocery Game, go to thegrocerygame.com to check it out. Although there's a free trial, you don't have to join or use the list to save big, but it saves some time, especially if you're a beginner. I've been doing the game since last February and my grocery bill has gone way down (used to shop at Wal-Mart). I continue to use their list because I'd rather someone else do the work. Clipping those darn coupons is hard enough for me (not only is it tedious, it's a bit messy). I'm fine with paying a tiny bit for an organized list of what's worth buying. Anyway, I've lost my train of thought...

I have to go to the store after Rush wakes up. Soooo dreading it. My secret is to give him one of the free cookies after I get through produce and bread/cheese area - right when the excitement of being somewhere new has worn off. It takes him about 20 minutes to eat the silly thing, which is great. He's pretty obnoxious at the grocery store, but what kid isn't? The biggest pain is getting through the checkout line without him losing it. By the time I'm done shopping he's desperate to RUN AWAY from me. It's kind of sad that a half hour facing my pretty mug makes him that restless! Oh well, a little preview for when he gets older and I indefinitely will become super-lame.

One great thing about Rush at the store: He's so sweet to everyone he comes in contact with. He smiles and talks to everyone, says "BYE" very loud whenever we leave and loves all the attention. And he gets a lot of attention! He's just that cute. I'll try to snag a picture of him today - see if I can capture some of the sweetness - and post it.

Better dash to pack up our grocery bags and diaper bag essentials (i.e. pacifier and sippy cup). Then we'll face the madness of Friday afternoon grocery shopping. Oh, and it's Super Bowl weekend...Prepare for disoriented men scattered about.

Distracted

Well, today (and the past few days too) I have been a distracted. Not focusing very well. A sea of messes I should clean up, but just don't. Calls that I'd like to make, but just don't. I have been trying to chip away at several big to-do's and find myself stalled. My mom is in town for about a week, so I should really just dump Rush off with her and get my groove on...I need to get "un-stuck"!!! Circumstances have probably been making it a little harder to be productive and I oscillate between giving myself permission to feel like crap and then getting frustrated with myself for my barely-there motivation. Ugh! I hate that feeling.

Today I may be in need of a mini pity party. I'll limit how long I can be in the pits and then I'll go out later this afternoon, treat myself to something fun and then put on my happy face and pray that it sticks.

RESOLVED...at least I think so

I have decided to be a little more organized in 2010. First, I've been a total stud and gone to the gym for the last several days in a row (just as Luke and I decided to cancel our membership...after budgeting...long story). Anyway, I'm getting my fill of outside the house workouts - and childcare! - between now and the 14th. I am committed to stay plenty active even after we say goodbye to the Y.

The next area of improvement involves our entire family. The previously mentioned budget. Cash system, baby!!! I've got my envelopes and cash all squared away for January. We'll being cashing-it for all flexible categories of our budget. I.e. Discretionary for Luke and I, Misc, Dates, Household, blah, blah, blah. I really hope we crack down and start being ultra cheap. I love spending significantly less than we have and I think the cash will help us even more. Luke and I tend to be pretty cheap compared to many already, but I know there's room for improvement. Feel free to hold me accountable to our new budgie! I am so exctied to see how it goes.

I have been working to re-organize my closet (and entire life while I'm at it). It's been a couple days of blasting through all the crap that has accumulated in there. My closet is relatively big, so I was surprised at all that can hide in there. I think the last time I really cleaned and organized it was right before Rush was born. You can thoroughly judge me now. But, I'm turning a new leaf and cleaning house. I have a goal to have the ENTIRE home organized to my liking (I actually have pretty high standards on this) by April. Why giving myself so much time? Another resolution: I am promoting in my Arbonne business! I am due to be Area Manager by Feb 1st. Needless to say, January will not likely be the month I'm a good housekeeper. At least it better not be! I need to be one busy bee.

Hmmm. I guess that's not that many resolutions after all. No biggie. I bet those will be hard enough! The organizing one makes me want to puke and cry for joy at the same time. I love getting organized. But not at the price of other important things. Rush is not the best independent player so he kinda freaks out when I start doing other things. He also likes to un-do everything I do...So it's pretty much reserved for when he's sleeping. Which isn't very many hours of the day at all! I am thrilled if I get 2.

Another resolution: Read a good book on toddler parenting and discipline. I think I may really need it. I don't have a clue where to begin. It's not like I let Rush do whatever he wants, breeding a total brat. But sometimes I really think I'm doing everything very wrong. Probably a normal feeling, but I'll tell you what, I would love your feedback/ideas. Any good books? Any good classes? Have you seen me do something you think deserves some hard-hitting criticism? Don't answer that one.

Here's to the new year and all the fun, blood, sweat and tears that will come along with it!